1 00:00:58,167 --> 00:01:00,267 All right. 2 00:01:00,301 --> 00:01:06,267 The lights go out in exactly 23 seconds. 3 00:01:06,301 --> 00:01:08,768 Schultz, you woke me up to tell me that? 4 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,034 Buzz off! 5 00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:12,234 18 seconds more. 6 00:01:12,267 --> 00:01:13,467 Turn out the light, Schultz. 7 00:01:13,501 --> 00:01:14,534 I need the extra sleep. 8 00:01:14,567 --> 00:01:15,534 Impossible. 9 00:01:16,933 --> 00:01:18,933 According to camp regulations, 10 00:01:18,967 --> 00:01:21,200 the lights have to be out in, uh... 11 00:01:21,234 --> 00:01:24,100 ten seconds, nine, eight... 12 00:01:24,134 --> 00:01:26,334 Seven, six, five... 13 00:01:27,634 --> 00:01:30,601 four, three, two, one. 14 00:01:30,634 --> 00:01:31,833 Zero! 15 00:01:33,034 --> 00:01:34,267 Get those lights out, come on! 16 00:01:34,301 --> 00:01:35,567 The Commandant can see all this 17 00:01:35,601 --> 00:01:37,367 from the window, you know, Schultz. 18 00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:38,900 The Commandant! 19 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:40,134 Commandant. 20 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,167 Where... Where is my rifle?! 21 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,367 I don't know. 22 00:01:47,401 --> 00:01:48,768 What do you mean you don't know? 23 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:49,933 Where is my rifle? 24 00:01:49,967 --> 00:01:51,867 Trifle? No! Rifle! 25 00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:55,434 Rifle, where is my rifle? 26 00:01:55,467 --> 00:01:56,768 Who stole my ri...? 27 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,933 Ah, here is my rifle. 28 00:01:59,967 --> 00:02:01,933 Why do you have to have my rifle? 29 00:02:01,967 --> 00:02:03,701 I don't have a teddy bear. 30 00:02:03,734 --> 00:02:04,933 Oh, that's sad, 31 00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:06,200 but give me back the rifle. 32 00:02:06,234 --> 00:02:07,434 Shh! Shh! 33 00:02:07,668 --> 00:02:08,800 Quiet! 34 00:02:08,833 --> 00:02:10,933 Shh. Shh. 35 00:02:10,967 --> 00:02:12,734 Everybody, sound asleep. 36 00:02:12,768 --> 00:02:13,933 Back to bed. 37 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,334 Everybody sound asleep. 38 00:02:16,668 --> 00:02:18,833 Shh! 39 00:02:18,867 --> 00:02:19,900 Shh. 40 00:02:19,933 --> 00:02:21,200 Schultz? 41 00:02:21,234 --> 00:02:23,900 Can I have a drink of water? 42 00:02:23,933 --> 00:02:25,401 No! Quiet! 43 00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:27,434 Everybody back to bed! 44 00:02:34,933 --> 00:02:36,967 All right, come on. 45 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:45,434 Okay, Ferguson, let's go. 46 00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:48,034 The underground's waiting for those maps, come on! 47 00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:49,467 Gosh, I hate to leave here. 48 00:02:49,501 --> 00:02:51,067 The last four days have been the best 49 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,334 I ever spent in the army. 50 00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:54,367 Nothing too good for a guest who's going 51 00:02:54,401 --> 00:02:56,000 on a dangerous mission, Captain. 52 00:02:56,034 --> 00:02:57,401 All right, now, look, 53 00:02:57,434 --> 00:02:59,067 Carter will get you to the meeting place 54 00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:00,334 with the underground. 55 00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:02,167 They'll see that you get back to England 56 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:03,434 with the installation maps. 57 00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:04,301 Okay, Colonel. 58 00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:11,634 All clear, Kinch? 59 00:03:11,668 --> 00:03:13,867 Uh-huh, so far. 60 00:03:15,334 --> 00:03:17,334 Uh-oh! What's the matter? 61 00:03:17,367 --> 00:03:19,601 Our beloved Commandant is on the prowl. 62 00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:21,634 Can't be, should be asleep by now. 63 00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:23,267 Here, hold this. 64 00:03:25,668 --> 00:03:27,167 Yeah, it is Klink! 65 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,501 And he's heading right for the barracks. 66 00:03:29,534 --> 00:03:30,734 Down periscope! 67 00:03:30,768 --> 00:03:32,034 Everybody back to bed! Let's go, come on! 68 00:03:38,234 --> 00:03:40,034 By the way, Ferguson, if you want anything, 69 00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:41,234 just ring for room service. 70 00:03:41,267 --> 00:03:43,034 Thanks, Colonel. 71 00:04:00,467 --> 00:04:03,067 Hey, what's going on here? 72 00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:04,867 All right, who turned on the lights? 73 00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:06,334 You guys know the rules. 74 00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:07,501 We didn't do... 75 00:04:07,534 --> 00:04:09,734 Oh, Commandant, what a pleasure. 76 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,000 I couldn't sleep. 77 00:04:11,034 --> 00:04:12,234 I want to talk to you, Hogan. 78 00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:13,800 Oh, sure, uh, uh, uh, uh, I'll, uh... 79 00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:16,034 I'll drop by your office first thing in the morning, 80 00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:17,301 say, around 11:30ish. 81 00:04:17,334 --> 00:04:19,301 I want to talk to you now alone. 82 00:04:19,334 --> 00:04:21,334 Uh, why don't you step into my office? 83 00:04:24,833 --> 00:04:26,334 Light, sir. 84 00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:29,367 Well, Colonel, 85 00:04:29,401 --> 00:04:30,933 what's up at this hour of the night? 86 00:04:30,967 --> 00:04:32,100 I mean, besides you? 87 00:04:32,134 --> 00:04:33,867 Do you mind if we have some light, Hogan? 88 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:35,867 Oh, oh, I'm sorry. 89 00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,100 Sit down. 90 00:04:38,134 --> 00:04:39,501 Thank you. 91 00:04:39,534 --> 00:04:40,768 Hogan, uh, 92 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,234 this is a painful matter to discuss, 93 00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:45,867 but it's no secret, I know. 94 00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:47,501 You do? 95 00:04:47,534 --> 00:04:49,833 What do you know? 96 00:04:49,867 --> 00:04:51,167 That I'm a failure. 97 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,634 Is that all? 98 00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:55,334 Is that all? 99 00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:57,800 Do you think it's easy for a man to face the fact 100 00:04:57,833 --> 00:04:59,867 that he's been a failure all his life? 101 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,000 No, but you've had a long time to get used to it. 102 00:05:03,301 --> 00:05:05,167 Why are you telling me about this? 103 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,867 Because even though you're a prisoner, 104 00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:09,301 you're the only man of equal rank here at this camp. 105 00:05:09,334 --> 00:05:10,467 Thank you. 106 00:05:10,501 --> 00:05:12,668 And also, if you repeat this conversation, 107 00:05:12,701 --> 00:05:14,701 as a prisoner, I can have you shot. 108 00:05:14,734 --> 00:05:17,067 Under those circumstances, you can depend on me, sir. 109 00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:18,833 Thank you, Colonel Hogan. 110 00:05:18,867 --> 00:05:21,301 Mm-hmm. Uh, what makes you think you're a failure? 111 00:05:23,967 --> 00:05:25,301 Do you realize 112 00:05:25,334 --> 00:05:27,634 that I have been a colonel longer than any man 113 00:05:27,668 --> 00:05:29,634 in my graduating class? 114 00:05:29,668 --> 00:05:33,000 The rest are all generals, field marshals... 115 00:05:33,034 --> 00:05:35,334 To say nothing of Hitler, who was a corporal. 116 00:05:35,367 --> 00:05:37,467 His next promotion was head of the army. 117 00:05:37,501 --> 00:05:39,800 I am not complaining about that promotion. 118 00:05:39,867 --> 00:05:42,434 General Burkhalter called today. 119 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:45,567 He is coming here to talk to me about my future, he said. 120 00:05:45,601 --> 00:05:47,067 Do you realize what that means? 121 00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:50,067 It means a transfer to the Russian front. 122 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,334 Fine, get a chance to be a hero! 123 00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:55,833 I'd rather be a live failure than a dead hero. 124 00:05:55,867 --> 00:05:57,367 Then you've got your wish. 125 00:05:57,401 --> 00:05:58,467 You're a live failure. 126 00:06:00,034 --> 00:06:02,334 Sorry. 127 00:06:03,668 --> 00:06:04,800 How much longer you going 128 00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:05,933 to keep Captain Ferguson 129 00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:07,100 down in that tunnel, sir? 130 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,267 We can't get him away 131 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,067 while Klink prowls the grounds all night. 132 00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,467 Yeah, and with Klink on the prowl, 133 00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:12,701 the guards are on the alert. 134 00:06:12,734 --> 00:06:14,000 What I want to know is, 135 00:06:14,034 --> 00:06:15,668 how much longer is Klink going to prowl? 136 00:06:15,701 --> 00:06:17,534 As long as Klink is unhappy and can't sleep. 137 00:06:17,567 --> 00:06:19,301 We got to figure a way to make him happy. 138 00:06:19,334 --> 00:06:20,967 General Burkhalter, I cannot tell you 139 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,301 what a pleasure it always is to have you drop in for a visit. 140 00:06:24,334 --> 00:06:26,301 Sit down, Klink. 141 00:06:26,334 --> 00:06:28,601 You are making me nervous. 142 00:06:28,634 --> 00:06:30,900 Oh, I wouldn't do that for the world. 143 00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:32,634 Not to you, General, never, never. 144 00:06:32,668 --> 00:06:33,933 Stop talking. 145 00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:35,334 That makes me nervous, too. 146 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,301 I've been giving a great deal of thought to you, Klink, 147 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,200 and I must say, I strongly disapprove of you. 148 00:06:44,234 --> 00:06:47,867 Do you know what I disapprove of? 149 00:06:47,900 --> 00:06:49,401 The way you are living. 150 00:06:49,434 --> 00:06:51,401 A man like you shouldn't live alone. 151 00:06:51,434 --> 00:06:53,401 It's not good to live alone. 152 00:06:53,434 --> 00:06:55,301 All right, Herr General, I'll get a dog. 153 00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:58,567 I wasn't talking about a dog. 154 00:06:58,601 --> 00:07:00,567 I was talking about a wife. 155 00:07:00,601 --> 00:07:02,501 All right, I'll get a... 156 00:07:02,534 --> 00:07:03,701 Wife? 157 00:07:03,734 --> 00:07:05,668 Naturally, I cannot order you 158 00:07:05,701 --> 00:07:07,833 to do something about your personal life. 159 00:07:07,867 --> 00:07:09,601 No, no, no, no, please, please, go ahead. 160 00:07:09,634 --> 00:07:10,933 Order, order. 161 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,234 Marrying into the right kind of family 162 00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:15,234 can do a lot for a man's career. 163 00:07:15,267 --> 00:07:16,967 You're absolutely right, Herr General. 164 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,301 It can do everything. 165 00:07:18,334 --> 00:07:20,734 Do you remember Captain Haldman? 166 00:07:20,768 --> 00:07:21,768 Haldman? 167 00:07:22,034 --> 00:07:23,167 Oh, yes. 168 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,467 He was in my graduating class. 169 00:07:24,501 --> 00:07:26,034 The class idiot, we used to call him. 170 00:07:26,067 --> 00:07:30,067 The idiot has just been made general. 171 00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,668 He married Field Marshal Keitel's niece. 172 00:07:32,701 --> 00:07:34,234 Is that so? 173 00:07:34,267 --> 00:07:36,334 Oh, well, of course when I used the word idiot, 174 00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:37,900 I was merely using a figure of speech. 175 00:07:37,933 --> 00:07:39,534 What I meant to say was... He is an idiot! 176 00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:42,800 But it just shows you 177 00:07:42,833 --> 00:07:45,567 what making the right kind of marriage can do for someone. 178 00:07:45,601 --> 00:07:47,567 That's all I have to say. 179 00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,567 General Burkhalter, I want to thank you 180 00:07:49,601 --> 00:07:51,200 for bringing this to my attention. 181 00:07:51,234 --> 00:07:53,100 Not at all. 182 00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:57,100 Oh, by the way... 183 00:07:57,134 --> 00:07:58,301 Yes, sir? 184 00:07:58,334 --> 00:07:59,467 My sister and niece 185 00:07:59,501 --> 00:08:01,067 will be visiting with me. 186 00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:02,800 I'd like you to meet them. 187 00:08:02,833 --> 00:08:04,301 Naturally, Herr General. 188 00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:06,634 I would be delighted to meet your sister and niece. 189 00:08:09,701 --> 00:08:12,100 Delighted. 190 00:08:15,768 --> 00:08:17,734 We got to get Ferguson off pretty soon. 191 00:08:17,768 --> 00:08:18,967 The underground says 192 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,701 they can only wait two or three more days. 193 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:21,867 Well, we can't do a thing 194 00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:23,267 while Klink roams around at night 195 00:08:23,301 --> 00:08:25,100 and the guards have to be on their toes. 196 00:08:26,301 --> 00:08:27,634 See you later. 197 00:08:27,668 --> 00:08:29,567 Oh, Ferguson wants some Worcestershire sauce 198 00:08:29,601 --> 00:08:32,467 for his cheeseburgers. 199 00:08:32,501 --> 00:08:35,134 Woostershire. 200 00:08:37,401 --> 00:08:38,601 Hi, Colonel. 201 00:08:38,634 --> 00:08:40,434 General Burkhalter just left here. 202 00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:41,867 Oh. The Russian front? 203 00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:43,867 Worse, much worse. 204 00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:46,200 He wants me to marry his niece. 205 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,467 That's bad? 206 00:08:47,501 --> 00:08:49,668 Did you hear what I said? 207 00:08:49,701 --> 00:08:51,367 Burkhalter's niece. 208 00:08:51,401 --> 00:08:52,634 Did you ever stop to think 209 00:08:52,668 --> 00:08:54,034 she might be a beauty? 210 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,800 Ha! It's more likely she looks like Burkhalter. 211 00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:57,167 Oh. 212 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,933 And if she isn't something awful, 213 00:08:58,967 --> 00:09:01,967 why would Burkhalter practically blackmail me into marrying her? 214 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,668 She's got to be a monster. 215 00:09:03,701 --> 00:09:05,067 Uh, don't do anything hasty, sir. 216 00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:06,701 Why don't you get a good night's sleep? 217 00:09:06,734 --> 00:09:08,367 Things will look differently in the morning. 218 00:09:08,401 --> 00:09:09,833 Sleep? 219 00:09:09,867 --> 00:09:11,067 I won't close my eyes 220 00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:12,467 all night long. 221 00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:14,701 I was afraid of that. 222 00:09:16,567 --> 00:09:18,800 What did Captain Ferguson order for breakfast today? 223 00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:21,401 Waffles and sausages, and a cheese omelet, 224 00:09:21,434 --> 00:09:23,933 and potato pancakes with applesauce. 225 00:09:23,967 --> 00:09:26,200 Oh, boy, that Ferguson is living the life of Riley. 226 00:09:26,234 --> 00:09:27,401 That's right. 227 00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:29,434 That bloke Riley must have some appetite. 228 00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:31,134 Yeah, and the war's going to be over 229 00:09:31,167 --> 00:09:32,833 before we get Ferguson out of here. 230 00:09:32,867 --> 00:09:34,401 There's nothing we can do. 231 00:09:34,434 --> 00:09:36,567 Our unhappy Commandant was prowling the grounds 232 00:09:36,601 --> 00:09:38,234 again last night. 233 00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:40,000 Uh-oh. 234 00:09:40,034 --> 00:09:42,067 Looks like we got company. 235 00:09:47,701 --> 00:09:49,867 Good morning, General Burkhalter. 236 00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:51,900 Good morning. 237 00:09:51,933 --> 00:09:55,234 Colonel Klink, this is my niece Lottie. 238 00:09:55,267 --> 00:09:56,467 How do you do? 239 00:09:56,501 --> 00:09:58,601 And this is my 240 00:09:58,634 --> 00:10:00,933 sister, Mrs. Linkmyer. 241 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:01,534 How do you do? 242 00:10:03,668 --> 00:10:04,933 How do you do? 243 00:10:04,967 --> 00:10:06,933 Your quarters are ready 244 00:10:06,967 --> 00:10:08,434 right next to the General 245 00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:09,634 in the VIP section. 246 00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:11,501 That is very kind of you, Colonel. 247 00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:13,967 I hope we don't put you to too much trouble. 248 00:10:14,034 --> 00:10:15,167 No trouble at all. 249 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,167 May I show you 250 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,367 around the camp? 251 00:10:17,401 --> 00:10:19,367 The ladies just arrived, Klink. 252 00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:21,668 I'm sure they would like to freshen up. 253 00:10:21,701 --> 00:10:23,701 You can show them around later. 254 00:10:23,734 --> 00:10:25,501 Oh, I understand, sir. 255 00:10:25,534 --> 00:10:26,768 Till we meet again. 256 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,167 Well, Colonel, I must say 257 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:36,601 the niece doesn't look a bit 258 00:10:36,734 --> 00:10:37,867 like Burkhalter. 259 00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:39,267 She is a goddess! 260 00:10:39,301 --> 00:10:40,501 Mm-hmm. 261 00:10:40,534 --> 00:10:41,734 And don't use her name 262 00:10:41,768 --> 00:10:43,800 in the same breath with his! 263 00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:45,967 Oh, I'm sorry. 264 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,967 Get those men cleaned up. 265 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,100 It'll be the cooler 266 00:10:49,134 --> 00:10:50,334 for every man 267 00:10:50,367 --> 00:10:51,867 who doesn't sparkle and shine. 268 00:10:56,867 --> 00:10:58,701 You know it's a funny thing about Klink. 269 00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:00,100 He's nasty even when he's happy. 270 00:11:00,134 --> 00:11:01,601 Yeah, but he'll sleep tonight, sir. 271 00:11:01,634 --> 00:11:02,833 You bet he will. 272 00:11:02,867 --> 00:11:04,501 Let's break the bad news to Ferguson. 273 00:11:04,567 --> 00:11:06,601 Ja, and with dispatch! 274 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,100 Ah. 275 00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:15,100 Well... 276 00:11:15,134 --> 00:11:17,567 what do you think of our Colonel Klink? 277 00:11:17,601 --> 00:11:19,867 He looks like a dead fish. 278 00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:22,267 I was not asking you, Lottie. 279 00:11:22,301 --> 00:11:24,401 I was asking your mother. 280 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,701 Well, Gertrude? 281 00:11:25,734 --> 00:11:27,967 I don't know. 282 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,833 It seems to me I should be able to do better than a Colonel. 283 00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:34,200 If I would consider marriage at all, 284 00:11:34,234 --> 00:11:36,067 why not a lieutenant general? 285 00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,434 I will tell you why, Gertrude. 286 00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:39,534 In the first place, you are no spring chicken! 287 00:11:39,567 --> 00:11:40,734 Albert! 288 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,833 In the second place, you are no great beauty. 289 00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:44,000 Albert! 290 00:11:44,034 --> 00:11:46,067 There are very few unmarried men around 291 00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:47,634 and quite a few widows. 292 00:11:47,668 --> 00:11:49,567 I am not a widow! 293 00:11:49,601 --> 00:11:53,768 My husband was reported missing in action. 294 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,000 On the Russian front, 295 00:11:55,034 --> 00:11:56,800 "missing in action" makes you a widow 296 00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:58,434 beyond a shadow of a doubt. 297 00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:01,933 I haven't made up my mind about Colonel Klink. 298 00:12:01,967 --> 00:12:04,000 I have to know him better. 299 00:12:04,034 --> 00:12:06,701 I still say he looks like a dead fish. 300 00:12:06,734 --> 00:12:08,768 You'd better be nice to him. 301 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:11,534 That dead fish might be your father. 302 00:12:12,768 --> 00:12:15,534 Ja. 303 00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:24,034 And, Hogan, I suppose you know 304 00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,000 a good deal about, uh... 305 00:12:26,034 --> 00:12:28,434 I mean, you've had a lot of experience... 306 00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:30,301 What I mean to say is... 307 00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:32,734 You want to know if I'm a ladies' man. 308 00:12:32,768 --> 00:12:34,467 That's it exactly. 309 00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:36,634 Well, I can take 'em or leave 'em alone. 310 00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:37,867 To be honest with you, 311 00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:39,800 I've taken more than I've left alone. 312 00:12:39,833 --> 00:12:41,367 That's what I thought. 313 00:12:41,401 --> 00:12:45,701 Hogan, I want to ask some advice from you. 314 00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:49,668 All right. 315 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:54,967 The most important thing to remember 316 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,467 when you're romancing a girl, 317 00:12:56,501 --> 00:12:58,100 especially in the early stages, 318 00:12:58,134 --> 00:13:00,067 is the billing and cooing, 319 00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:03,067 the tender things you whisper in her ear. 320 00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:04,933 What things? 321 00:13:04,967 --> 00:13:06,200 Lies. 322 00:13:06,234 --> 00:13:07,567 The bigger, the better. 323 00:13:08,967 --> 00:13:10,567 Colonel Hogan! 324 00:13:10,601 --> 00:13:13,668 Every girl likes to look up to the man that she loves. 325 00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:16,267 To respect, admire, idolize him. 326 00:13:16,301 --> 00:13:17,301 Let's face it. 327 00:13:17,334 --> 00:13:19,034 No man on his own record 328 00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:20,467 can live up to that. 329 00:13:20,501 --> 00:13:22,501 So, he's got to make up another record, 330 00:13:22,534 --> 00:13:24,933 to appear ten feet tall to the girl he loves. 331 00:13:24,967 --> 00:13:26,367 It's the name of the game. 332 00:13:26,401 --> 00:13:27,534 Out of the question. 333 00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:30,634 Colonel Hogan, you Americans may make love that way, 334 00:13:30,668 --> 00:13:33,367 but we Germans, well, we have a code of honor, 335 00:13:33,401 --> 00:13:35,200 especially with women. 336 00:13:35,234 --> 00:13:38,434 I will not lie. 337 00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:40,367 Colonel, any man that won't lie 338 00:13:40,401 --> 00:13:41,668 to the woman he loves 339 00:13:41,701 --> 00:13:43,434 doesn't deserve to have her. 340 00:13:44,768 --> 00:13:45,900 Come in. 341 00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:47,534 Mrs. Linkmyer! 342 00:13:49,701 --> 00:13:50,900 Where's the rest of you? 343 00:13:50,933 --> 00:13:52,567 I mean, your daughter? 344 00:13:52,601 --> 00:13:55,134 The general is showing her around the camp. 345 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,800 I wanted to talk to you by myself. 346 00:13:57,833 --> 00:13:59,668 Oh, yes, of course, by all means. 347 00:13:59,701 --> 00:14:00,734 Well, I'll be going. 348 00:14:00,768 --> 00:14:01,833 Uh, no, no, Hogan, wait. 349 00:14:01,867 --> 00:14:03,833 You haven't finished your filing. 350 00:14:03,867 --> 00:14:05,167 Filing? 351 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,833 You know how I feel about filing. 352 00:14:06,867 --> 00:14:08,900 Oh, filing. Filing. 353 00:14:08,933 --> 00:14:11,134 Oh, Mrs. Linkmyer, please, sit down. 354 00:14:14,267 --> 00:14:17,100 I believe that the general talked to you 355 00:14:17,134 --> 00:14:19,334 about a little matter. 356 00:14:19,367 --> 00:14:21,367 Yes, he did. He certainly did. 357 00:14:21,401 --> 00:14:23,100 With his very own mouth. 358 00:14:24,501 --> 00:14:26,900 So, naturally, there are certain questions 359 00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:28,800 I must ask you, do you understand? 360 00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:30,167 Oh, yes. 361 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,501 If I were in your place, 362 00:14:31,534 --> 00:14:33,401 I would do exactly the same thing. 363 00:14:33,434 --> 00:14:35,501 Please feel free to ask me anything. 364 00:14:35,534 --> 00:14:37,668 Do you drink or gamble? 365 00:14:37,701 --> 00:14:39,000 Never! Isn't that right, Hogan? 366 00:14:39,034 --> 00:14:40,301 Oh, right, right, never. 367 00:14:40,334 --> 00:14:41,534 Good. 368 00:14:41,567 --> 00:14:43,034 Now, who do you think 369 00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:45,701 should handle the money in the family, 370 00:14:45,734 --> 00:14:48,301 the husband or the wife? 371 00:14:48,334 --> 00:14:50,867 Who? Who? 372 00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:53,534 Uh, the Commandant, 373 00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:54,768 as a soldier, feels that the wife 374 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:55,768 should handle the money. 375 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:56,768 He'll handle the war. 376 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,401 I've heard him say that hundreds of times. 377 00:14:58,434 --> 00:15:01,267 That's right. That is what I said. 378 00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,534 Very well expressed. 379 00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:05,167 I thought so myself. 380 00:15:06,867 --> 00:15:08,800 Excuse me, Herr Kommandant. 381 00:15:08,833 --> 00:15:11,501 You told me to tell you as soon as they got here. 382 00:15:11,534 --> 00:15:12,800 They are here! 383 00:15:12,833 --> 00:15:15,933 The daughter and... the mother. 384 00:15:21,134 --> 00:15:23,200 I know. 385 00:15:23,234 --> 00:15:24,634 Is there anything else... 386 00:15:24,668 --> 00:15:26,134 Schultz? 387 00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:28,668 No, Herr Kommandant. 388 00:15:28,701 --> 00:15:30,067 That's all. 389 00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:33,668 Colonel Klink, we will talk more later. 390 00:15:33,701 --> 00:15:35,000 Meanwhile, 391 00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:37,200 I think it's fair to tell you 392 00:15:37,234 --> 00:15:40,267 that my daughter does not like you. 393 00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:43,601 She doesn't like me? 394 00:15:43,634 --> 00:15:46,933 I'm sure she will come around, but naturally, 395 00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:49,034 there can be no question of a marriage 396 00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:50,367 without her approval. 397 00:15:50,401 --> 00:15:52,334 Naturally. 398 00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:53,668 Now, shall we join the others? 399 00:15:53,701 --> 00:15:55,900 By all means. 400 00:15:55,933 --> 00:15:57,100 She doesn't like me! 401 00:15:57,134 --> 00:15:58,267 Lottie does not like me. 402 00:15:58,301 --> 00:16:00,200 Commandant, just put yourself in my hands. 403 00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:01,501 I'll have you goose-stepping 404 00:16:01,534 --> 00:16:02,701 to "Here Comes the Bride" 405 00:16:02,734 --> 00:16:04,933 before you know it. 406 00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:06,833 Hmm. 407 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:13,933 Herr Kommandant. 408 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:16,134 Colonel Hogan, this is hopeless. 409 00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:17,833 Why should a beautiful girl 410 00:16:17,867 --> 00:16:19,867 like Lottie love someone like me? 411 00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:22,034 It won't be someone like you she'll love. 412 00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:23,634 It'll be the image we create. 413 00:16:23,668 --> 00:16:26,900 I don't want her to fall in love with an image. 414 00:16:26,933 --> 00:16:30,401 I want her to fall in love with me, Colonel Klink. 415 00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,434 Well, that's doing it the hard way. 416 00:16:32,467 --> 00:16:34,434 Now, first thing, 417 00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:36,833 I've prepared a list of sure-fire pitches, 418 00:16:36,867 --> 00:16:38,933 romantic pitches that work every time. 419 00:16:38,967 --> 00:16:40,501 Every time you get her alone, 420 00:16:40,534 --> 00:16:43,434 you just throw one of these pitches at her. 421 00:16:43,467 --> 00:16:45,867 "I am only a simple soldier, Lottie, 422 00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:48,234 "and all I can offer you is the simple heart 423 00:16:48,267 --> 00:16:50,234 of a simple soldier." 424 00:16:50,267 --> 00:16:53,467 You think she'll like that? 425 00:16:53,501 --> 00:16:55,434 It's beautiful! 426 00:16:57,501 --> 00:16:58,634 Here's another one. 427 00:16:58,668 --> 00:16:59,933 Never misses. 428 00:16:59,967 --> 00:17:02,100 You'll love it. 429 00:17:02,134 --> 00:17:03,833 "Until I met you, Lottie, 430 00:17:03,867 --> 00:17:07,367 "I never really saw a sunset or heard a bird sing. 431 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,367 "You're my first thought in the morning, 432 00:17:09,401 --> 00:17:11,367 "and my last thought at night. 433 00:17:11,401 --> 00:17:13,367 "If a sniper's bullet should take me, 434 00:17:13,401 --> 00:17:17,134 you would be my last thought in life." 435 00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:23,833 Oh. 436 00:17:23,867 --> 00:17:25,534 These really work? 437 00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:27,034 You see what it's doing to Schultz. 438 00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:29,034 You should see how it works on girls. 439 00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:30,933 Let me see. 440 00:17:34,668 --> 00:17:38,200 Come in. 441 00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:39,900 Colonel Hogan. 442 00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:41,434 Colonel, how's the romance going 443 00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:42,434 with the fair Lottie? 444 00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:44,100 It's not going anyplace. 445 00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:45,867 Why not? 446 00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:47,967 Aren't you using those sure-fire lines I gave you? 447 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,167 How can I use them? 448 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,467 I'm never alone with Lottie. 449 00:17:50,501 --> 00:17:52,833 The mother is always there. 450 00:17:52,867 --> 00:17:54,634 Oh, I'm alone with the mother a lot, 451 00:17:54,668 --> 00:17:56,734 but never with Lottie without the mother. 452 00:17:56,768 --> 00:17:58,967 You got a problem. 453 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,000 Yeah, this calls for higher-echelon thinking. 454 00:18:03,301 --> 00:18:05,567 Soft lights, romantic music 455 00:18:05,601 --> 00:18:07,567 and a French dinner. 456 00:18:07,601 --> 00:18:09,567 And where are you going to get all this? 457 00:18:09,601 --> 00:18:10,734 Leave that to me. 458 00:18:10,768 --> 00:18:13,267 We've got to write a dinner invitation to Lottie. 459 00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,501 I'll dictate it. 460 00:18:14,534 --> 00:18:16,467 All right, all right. 461 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,200 "My darling girl, 462 00:18:24,234 --> 00:18:25,833 "I want very much to see you. 463 00:18:25,867 --> 00:18:28,100 "Please come to my place for dinner. 464 00:18:28,134 --> 00:18:30,401 "My lips tremble 465 00:18:30,434 --> 00:18:33,067 "with the question I must ask you 466 00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:35,867 "and ask you alone. 467 00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:38,067 Please say you will come." 468 00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,401 Sign that, "Your devoted slave." 469 00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:43,434 Colonel Hogan, 470 00:18:43,467 --> 00:18:46,467 do you really talk to girls like this? 471 00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:47,367 Sure. 472 00:18:47,401 --> 00:18:48,634 And you get results? 473 00:18:48,668 --> 00:18:49,800 Every time. 474 00:18:49,833 --> 00:18:52,434 I just don't understand it. 475 00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:57,467 Miss Linkmyer, I have a letter from Colonel Klink. 476 00:18:57,501 --> 00:18:58,634 I will take it. 477 00:18:58,668 --> 00:19:00,334 Yeah, uh, Baron von Klink wanted me 478 00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:01,401 to deliver it to you. 479 00:19:01,434 --> 00:19:02,601 Baron von Klink? 480 00:19:02,634 --> 00:19:03,933 Klink is a baron? 481 00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:06,000 Son of a gun, I wasn't supposed to mention it. 482 00:19:06,034 --> 00:19:08,000 The Colonel is a baron? 483 00:19:08,034 --> 00:19:10,501 Well, yeah, but during wartime he doesn't want to be known 484 00:19:10,534 --> 00:19:11,933 as an aristocrat, just a soldier. 485 00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:14,267 What a wonderful attitude. 486 00:19:14,301 --> 00:19:16,067 Yeah, well, that's the kind of man he is. 487 00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:18,167 I mean, he never even mentions his decorations, 488 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,634 like the, uh, uh, the Iron Cross, 489 00:19:19,668 --> 00:19:21,734 or the Imperial Legion of Merit, 490 00:19:21,768 --> 00:19:23,634 or the Victoria Cross. 491 00:19:23,668 --> 00:19:25,234 The Victoria Cross? Mm-hmm. 492 00:19:25,267 --> 00:19:27,701 But is not that a British decoration? 493 00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:30,833 Well, yeah, but even the British admire a brave man. 494 00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:34,401 And to think that I said he looked like a dead fish. 495 00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:36,668 Yeah, well, I wouldn't mention it to him 496 00:19:36,701 --> 00:19:37,800 or anyone else. 497 00:19:37,933 --> 00:19:39,534 Oh, no, I won't. 498 00:19:39,567 --> 00:19:41,200 But can I tell my mother? 499 00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:43,768 No, especially your mother, no. 500 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,367 I understand. 501 00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:47,067 If she is going to marry him, 502 00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:48,668 it should be for what he is, 503 00:19:48,701 --> 00:19:50,467 not what he was. 504 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:57,534 She's gonna marry him? 505 00:19:57,567 --> 00:19:58,900 Your mama? 506 00:19:58,933 --> 00:20:00,734 Well, it is not definite yet, 507 00:20:00,768 --> 00:20:03,234 but, uh, my uncle, General Burkhalter, 508 00:20:03,267 --> 00:20:06,367 says that the Colonel is anxious to marry Mama, 509 00:20:06,401 --> 00:20:09,167 and now, I approve, too. 510 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,234 Oh, boy. 511 00:20:11,267 --> 00:20:12,833 Miss Linkmyer, I think 512 00:20:12,867 --> 00:20:14,000 I've made a mistake. 513 00:20:14,034 --> 00:20:15,167 Can I have that note back? 514 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:16,701 Oh, no mistake. 515 00:20:16,734 --> 00:20:19,367 The Colonel has invited Mama for dinner. 516 00:20:19,401 --> 00:20:22,668 What a nice surprise for Mama. 517 00:20:22,701 --> 00:20:24,933 What a nice surprise for Colonel Klink. 518 00:20:30,701 --> 00:20:33,501 Schultz, have another bottle of champagne ready. 519 00:20:33,534 --> 00:20:35,301 Jawohl, Herr Baron. 520 00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:37,567 I mean, Herr Kommandant. 521 00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:41,167 Hogan, you have done a very good job. 522 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,234 Everything looks absolutely splendid. 523 00:20:43,267 --> 00:20:44,734 Thanks, sir. 524 00:20:44,768 --> 00:20:46,668 The only thing is, it isn't really necessary. 525 00:20:47,867 --> 00:20:49,267 General Burkhalter has assured me 526 00:20:49,301 --> 00:20:51,601 that the lady returns my affection, 527 00:20:51,634 --> 00:20:53,601 and you have gone 528 00:20:53,634 --> 00:20:55,167 through a lot of trouble for nothing. 529 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,933 Not that I don't appreciate it, mind you. 530 00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:01,234 Colonel, 531 00:21:01,267 --> 00:21:02,701 why don't you tell him the truth? 532 00:21:02,734 --> 00:21:03,867 I can't. 533 00:21:03,900 --> 00:21:05,134 It would be too painful. 534 00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:07,601 Besides, he's going to find out anyway. 535 00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:11,100 Yeah, I never thought I'd feel sorry for Klink. 536 00:21:13,134 --> 00:21:14,933 Never mind, never mind, I'll get it. 537 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,800 It's Lottie, my darling Lottie. 538 00:21:16,833 --> 00:21:19,134 Don't get your hopes too high. 539 00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:20,534 It might be someone else. 540 00:21:20,567 --> 00:21:21,567 Who else could it be? 541 00:21:22,601 --> 00:21:23,634 Who else, indeed. 542 00:21:25,833 --> 00:21:27,900 Come in, my darling, come in... 543 00:21:31,701 --> 00:21:33,434 Mrs. Linkmyer! 544 00:21:33,467 --> 00:21:35,534 Come, come, Wilhelm. 545 00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:37,601 You must call me Gertrude. 546 00:21:37,634 --> 00:21:38,967 I must? 547 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,567 Of course. 548 00:21:40,601 --> 00:21:43,334 A husband and wife can't be so formal. 549 00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:45,501 Even though you have not asked me the question 550 00:21:45,534 --> 00:21:47,933 that is trembling on your lips. 551 00:21:47,967 --> 00:21:50,067 Husband? Wife? 552 00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,501 I must say, I was very angry 553 00:21:53,534 --> 00:21:56,501 at first, when the General told me 554 00:21:56,534 --> 00:21:58,534 about his matchmaking, 555 00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:01,967 but once I got to know you, Wilhelm... 556 00:22:05,467 --> 00:22:06,367 Hogan? 557 00:22:06,401 --> 00:22:08,134 I'm helping Schultz chill the champagne. 558 00:22:08,167 --> 00:22:08,933 Me, too. 559 00:22:10,534 --> 00:22:12,933 What a lovely place 560 00:22:12,967 --> 00:22:15,967 you have here, Wilhelm. 561 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,401 I think I will make only a few changes. 562 00:22:18,434 --> 00:22:20,501 The drapes will go first, 563 00:22:20,534 --> 00:22:23,634 and then-then we could get new furniture. 564 00:22:23,668 --> 00:22:25,967 Oh, just think, Wilhelm... 565 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,301 Our own little love nest. 566 00:22:29,367 --> 00:22:31,134 Oh, I know you two want to be alone. 567 00:22:31,167 --> 00:22:32,701 - Come on, fellows. - Hogan! 568 00:22:32,734 --> 00:22:35,467 Schultz, set another place. 569 00:22:39,768 --> 00:22:42,734 You would have liked my husband Otto very much. 570 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,167 Mind you, not that 571 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,900 he didn't have some very bad habits, 572 00:22:46,933 --> 00:22:51,167 but I shouldn't say anything against him. 573 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,900 He was lost in the Russian Front, you know. 574 00:22:54,933 --> 00:22:56,567 Maybe you knew him. 575 00:22:56,601 --> 00:22:58,900 Was he the one they called Lucky Otto? 576 00:22:58,933 --> 00:23:01,367 I don't remember anyone ever calling him that. 577 00:23:01,401 --> 00:23:04,301 Maybe it was some other Lucky Otto. 578 00:23:04,334 --> 00:23:06,200 Wilhelm, 579 00:23:06,234 --> 00:23:09,434 what do you think of a spring wedding? 580 00:23:09,467 --> 00:23:11,701 Not much. 581 00:23:11,734 --> 00:23:12,867 If you don't mind me saying so, 582 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:15,100 I think you should get married right away, like tomorrow. 583 00:23:16,601 --> 00:23:18,067 Hogan, I'm going to have you shot, 584 00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:20,367 and no court-martial in the world would convict me. 585 00:23:20,401 --> 00:23:21,467 Tomorrow? 586 00:23:21,501 --> 00:23:22,867 Why so soon? 587 00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:24,800 Well, I figure it'd give you a chance 588 00:23:24,833 --> 00:23:26,234 to get to know each other, 589 00:23:26,267 --> 00:23:27,900 enjoy a few golden moments before... 590 00:23:29,301 --> 00:23:31,034 Before what? 591 00:23:31,067 --> 00:23:33,701 Colonel, do you think it's fair to keep it secret? 592 00:23:33,734 --> 00:23:34,933 Why don't you tell her? 593 00:23:34,967 --> 00:23:36,100 Tell her what? 594 00:23:36,134 --> 00:23:38,100 You naughty boy! 595 00:23:38,134 --> 00:23:41,833 Are you keeping secrets from me already? 596 00:23:42,967 --> 00:23:44,867 Now, what is it? 597 00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:46,301 I'm going to tell her if you don't. 598 00:23:46,334 --> 00:23:47,933 The Colonel has volunteered for service 599 00:23:47,967 --> 00:23:49,501 at the Russian Front, leaves next week. 600 00:23:49,534 --> 00:23:51,434 What? 601 00:23:51,467 --> 00:23:55,534 Why does everybody I know volunteer for the Russian front? 602 00:23:55,567 --> 00:23:58,200 What is the big attraction there? 603 00:23:58,334 --> 00:23:59,301 I don't know. 604 00:23:59,334 --> 00:24:00,434 I'm sure there's something. 605 00:24:00,467 --> 00:24:05,000 Well, I will tell you one thing, Colonel Klink. 606 00:24:05,034 --> 00:24:08,501 I am not going to be a widow again. 607 00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:11,668 The engagement is off, and that is final! 608 00:24:11,734 --> 00:24:12,867 That's it. 609 00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:14,067 I would not do it. 610 00:24:14,100 --> 00:24:15,234 It's ridiculous! 611 00:24:15,267 --> 00:24:16,434 My God, it's crazy. 612 00:24:18,668 --> 00:24:21,301 Hogan, you have just done me a great favor. 613 00:24:21,334 --> 00:24:23,301 I would like to do something for you. 614 00:24:23,334 --> 00:24:25,634 All I can ask is, you get a good night's sleep. 615 00:24:25,668 --> 00:24:30,234 I am going to sleep like a baby. 616 00:24:31,501 --> 00:24:33,234 That's all I wanted to hear.